That Hurts so Good

The Helpful Hurtfulness of Authenticity

Most of my posts here are reflections on news articles. However, my post for this month will focus on a post from another Substack publication — Both/And — written by scholar Tabitha Kirkland. Its title is “Why We’re Drawn to Authentic People (and How to Be One).” I’m going to write about Kirkland’s post over the course of at least two of my own posts because Kirkland’s is so dense with interesting ideas and observations about authenticity.

Kirkland begins her post by articulating an understanding of authenticity that matches the understanding I’ve been pointing out in American culture. Specifically, she writes:

A person who acts authentically feels, to me, like someone who is not as easily buffeted by peer pressure and group influence. Someone who says what they mean. Someone whose actions you can expect to align with their values. Someone who will tell you how they’re actually doing.

Further, she writes, “Authenticity means honesty. We crave realness.” Further still, she writes,

Authentic people can be a little grumpy or disillusioned. They aren’t perfect. They can be anxious or self-conscious — but they are honest about that. They won’t pretend to be okay if they’re not. . . .What matters most is this quality of realness, of unfiltered honesty.

All of this is in line with the common American conception of personal authenticity as covered here.

But Kirkland also states something about authenticity that initially struck me as unusual. Very early in her essay, she says that an authentic person is “someone who genuinely cares (for others).” Initially, this didn’t seem to square with the American notion of authenticity explicated here because it seemed that authentic people did things that were true to their self, regardless of the consequences to others. To me, that doesn’t fit with caring for others because I see caring as softening or relieving any pain a person might feel and definitely not adding to it, regardless of intention.

However, I’m not sure that my conception of caring is widely shared. I’m beginning to realize that quite a large number of people in American society believe that telling harsh truths to someone is a way of showing you care for them. Indeed, there seems to be a popular belief that you are doing someone a favor by being honest with them, even if that honesty hurts. So, being brutally honest about your view of another’s clothing choices and hairstyle all the way to their political opinions are seen as helpful, given that they reveal what others might be thinking of them.

What is the import of these observations about truth-telling, about authenticity, in American culture? It is only that authenticity, as popularly conceived, is a gift of almost inestimable value for many in American society. For many, honesty is an unmitigated good regardless of its consequences, and should be regarded as such even by persons stung by it.